A Story of Awakening ...

Introduction: Into the Rapids: A Story of Awakening

I found myself in a small raft bobbing on the White Nile in Uganda, surrounded by the untamed wildness of the jungle. Ahead of me lay a stretch of raging Whitewater so treacherous that only a few dozen people had ever dared to run it. The air hung heavy and humid, and the distant roar of Murchison Falls rumbled like constant thunder in my ears. Hippos snorted everywhere along the banks; hundreds of crocodiles lurked just beneath the surface. Perched on the edge of the unknown, my heart thumped with equal parts terror and awe, all compounded by the fact we had been told this is where the man-eating crocs are released to keep them away from local villages, so DO NOT capsize early on the journey.

Not long ago, I couldn’t have imagined myself here. I had been drowning in a very different kind of rapids, an invisible flood of fear, despair, and emptiness that was pulling me under in life. My days felt utterly unfulfilling. I was completely isolated in my own mind, disconnected from those around me, unhappy in my work, and deeply disappointed in myself. I had gone so numb that I truly didn’t care if I lived or died. In fact, the only reason I’d travelled halfway across the world to this wild river was the desperate hope that it might shock me into feeling alive again, even if it meant risking everything.

And now here I was, about to plunge into real rapids with life-or-death stakes. As our guide barked the command to launch, every nerve in my body screamed at me to turn back. What if you capsize? What if you get hurt? hissed the voice of fear in my mind. Now with the reality of the situation right there in front of me, the idea of having travelled halfway across the world to this wild river in the desperate hope that it might shock me into feeling alive again, took on a whole new perspective. The fear arose inside my soul and begged me for life, to save myself and retreat to safety. But at the same time, something else stirred in my in the pit of my stomach, the feeling I had craved, a flicker of resolve, a feeling of being alive, this is what I came for and this is the very spark that has the power to carry me forward into the unknown. I knew right then and there that if I surrendered to fear now, I would have to carry the weight of regret (and my old identity as a failure) for the rest of my life. So, I made my choice. No more running. I would drop the weight of doubt that had been crushing me and step forward unburdened living in the moment and embracing the reason I came here, to simply feel alive even if it meant that death would follow shortly thereafter.

With a deep breath and a silent prayer, we pushed off into the torrent. Within seconds, a wall of frothing water slammed into us, flipping the raft violently. I was hurled out and instantly dragged beneath the Nile’s cold, dark surface. I tumbled helplessly, like a rag doll in a giant washing machine of churning currents knowing that these waters were alive with man eating crocodiles and hippo. And yet, in the chaos of that moment, a strange calm came over me. Instead of the blind panic I might have expected, a quiet voice inside whispered, this isn’t the end. Just hold on. I stopped flailing and yielded to the current, trusting I would surface soon. And sure enough, after what felt like an eternity, I burst up from the depths and back into the world above water, coughing and gulping sweet, life-giving air.

I grabbed onto the overturned raft and, along with my teammates, managed to heave it upright and scramble back in. I was drenched, shaking, and gasping for breath but I was alive. One of our crew however was still out in the dark river and it was unclear of his fate until he also emerged some way down stream, clinging to a rock. In the first twenty minutes of our expedition, the worst-case scenario had already happened, and we had survived it. A stunned, nervous laugh of relief bubbled out of me. The very thing I’d feared most had happened, and I was still here. In that moment something shifted in my mind. The crushing dread I’d been carrying for so long began to lift, replaced by a swell of pure gratitude. For the first time in a long while, I felt profoundly grateful just to be breathing, just to still be fighting. And that gratitude, in turn, ignited a new spark of courage for whatever might come next.

For the next few days, the Nile threw one towering rapid after another at us, testing us to our core. We were completely cut off from the rest of the world, deep in the wilderness with no way out except to ride through whatever the river put in our path. Now and then a hippo would grunt in the shallows, or we’d catch the ridge of a crocodile’s back sliding under the water, stark reminders that the river wasn’t our only threat. But with each fresh challenge, I felt my newfound confidence growing. Stroke by stroke, rapid by rapid, I chose to trust in my teammates, trust in our preparation, and trust in myself. Whenever fear tried to creep back in, I steadied my mind with two things: belief and gratitude. We can do this, I told myself. And I couldn’t help but marvel, how incredible is it that I’m even here to experience this? By allowing myself to trust in our team who were all brilliant, funny, supportive, very experienced, yet all clearly insane, it became easier to anchor myself in that mindset, I found I could meet the chaos with surprising calm.

By the time we drifted into a final gentle stretch of the Nile, weeks after having arrived for training, I was a changed man. Exhausted and sunburned, I stepped onto the riverbank after the last rapid feeling victorious, not because I had conquered the river, but because I had conquered the fear inside me. In the span of that journey, everything false had been stripped away, forcing me to face my true self. I discovered that beneath the fear there was courage; beneath the need for control, there was trust. In just a few days of living so close to the edge, I learned more about who I really am than in years of quiet despair. It was as if those wild waters had washed away my old life and given birth to a new one. I emerged from the Nile feeling reborn, with a clear understanding of what it truly means to be alive.

I came away from that river with two priceless gifts: belief in myself and gratitude for life. Belief, in this case, meant a newfound trust that no matter how wild or impossible the road ahead appeared, I would find a way through. And gratitude was a deep appreciation for every breath, every challenge, every moment I was given. I realized that those were the only things I truly needed to carry forward. Everything else the fear, the anger, the doubt I’d been lugging around for years had been washed away in those rapids. I left that weight behind on the riverbank. I will never forget the team and our leader Pete Meredith who I have connected with again recently and hope will be taking me and our family out for an African Adventure, although without the imminent death being so readily available!

Each of us faces our own raging rivers in life, and each of us carries baggage that weighs us down. But we do have the power to choose what we carry and what we leave behind. We can set down our fears and our old stories and decide to travel light. We can choose to hold on only to what truly serves us: the belief that we will find a way, and the gratitude that we even get to take this journey at all.

Standing there on that riverbank, with the thunder of the falls behind me, I made a promise to myself. No more living in fear. No more dragging the past behind me. If life ever knocked me down again, I would rise back up every single time with courage in my soul and gratitude in my heart. In that moment I realized that what I had thought was the end of my story was really just the end of the beginning. I came off that river not only alive, but awake and on fire with purpose. I knew with absolute certainty that if I travelled light, carrying only belief and gratitude, I could face whatever came next. That was the gift the Nile gave me, and it’s a gift I believe we all can claim. When you set down the baggage that isn’t yours to carry and embrace the power of belief and gratitude, nothing in this world can stop you from rising. No matter how fierce the storm, you will find yourself moving through it toward the light of a new dawn.

I have seen a lot in my life and yet nothing comes close to the experience of experiencing a powerful river full of wild animals while being guided by extreme adventurers. None of the life situations I have found myself in previously, and there were some extreme situations gave me the same chill, even the really bad stuff, as for me it lacked the deep respect for how quickly this could end your life. Here and now, gone in a second. Dead.

So, what takes you through something like this mentally?

BELIEF - The confidence that arises naturally through the process, creating self-trust and removing doubts that arise through fantasy.

GRATITUDE - Letting go of desired outcomes and fully embracing the privilege of pursuing goals and dreams, loving the process of living in a moment.

There was so much to this trip, and we actually had a film crew with us capturing the entire experience, looking back on that today gives me an immense sense of pride and gratitude.

That experience on the Nile didn’t just jolt me awake it fundamentally reshaped how I saw life, fear, and my own identity. It became the spark for everything that followed. This book, and the mission behind it, were born in those waters.